18 February, 2015

Writing for myself

Today was hotel yoga.

I decided yesterday to stop posting my blogs publicly.

That means I am writing this for myself. I am hesitant about it. I am hesitant about what to write here, because if I take it in a truly personal direction, then I am committing to either staying private, editing content, or deleting the entries that cannot be shared publicly. It makes me uneasy. And I am not sure why, because it's not like there's some massive readership that I am betraying. It's more like, "If I stop publishing this to the world, then the commitment is only to myself, and then what does it mean if I keep it up?" And it also means that I am shifting away from writing as a means of receiving validation.

So what am I going to do...

Well, a little more about the thoughts around closing it down, before I move forward. I feel this need to explain myself to people. I feel like, "Oh, I owe someone an explanation for why I have decided not to publish it anymore." But I don't owe anyone anything. There was something that came up a few weeks ago in a conversation with someone. Anna, maybe. The point was that I don't need to explain myself. I can just make decisions and not explain them. I have always felt like I need to explain everything.

But I don't.

And it helps that I am not presently using Facebook because I would have already been posting about the fact that I am not writing the blog publicly and why I am not, etc.

The knowledge that much of the supposed readership of my blog is probably robots makes it a little less disappointing to stop.

OK. But here I am. Starting to do this. Now.

Today was hotel yoga.

I was looking forward, somewhat, to doing the practice today, and was committed to doing a good practice. It's been a difficult few days. I have experienced an immense amount of stress and anxiety about this first study that I am running for my new team. I have always gone through this emotionality around important things at work, becoming moody, anxious, etc. But this time, it felt even more major because I am working on a topic that is important, and I am taking over for a researcher who is extremely highly regarded, and my friend whom I want to impress, or at least not disappoint. So I have felt this pressure. But I guess it's been lurking just below the surface, and coming out as sadness, disconnection, existentialism, etc. It's not to say that I don't or won't experience those things periodically anyway, especially considering that my life will always have these (or may always have these) periods where I experience stress. But I really turned it in on myself and then it impacted my relationship too.

It affected my practice, I believe, in the manner of impacting my balance. For the past several days, I had shit for balance. Today, after having run my first 2 sessions, and everything went well, my balance was much better. Balance may be a useful barometer for me to measure something about my state. Of course, sometimes my balance may just be off because my legs are tired. So there's that.

I don't know why I continue to experience such stress every time there's a new milestone, when I repeatedly meet the occasion with the necessary effort. And I don't disappoint people. But I do spend a lot of time explaining myself and my emotions, and that's probably the only weird part. I don't want to be difficult to work with. I don't want to be a freak. I don't want to be one of those people where others are thinking "If I have to listen to one more time of Bob talking about sometimes he feels this, or sometimes he feels that... why can't he just shut the fuck up and do his job?!"

These are the things I fear.

Among others.

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