09 February, 2015

Finally landing

Today was vinyasa with Tara.

It's taken me awhile to appreciate this class, because I was getting caught up in the little things that I didn't like. I'd recognized a list of the things that I did like, namely the message that she has in her flowing words, and pondering messages that come in a continuing stream throughout the class. But I had been unable to appreciate and release myself into just what it is. Instead, I'd been obsessing over the ways in which Tara is not Michel or Carley or Elizabeth or Zak. Those are teachers whom I've admired very various, but overlapping reasons, but who are radically different from Tara. And my insistence on holding the experience up to a different template caused me to be unable to appreciate what I did like in it.

Today I found myself ready, and I'm not even sure why. I shifted my perspective, perhaps? As I mentioned, I decided to move myself away from the front of the room, so as to not be seeing the little digital clock that had been vexing me in recent classes. Instead, I positioned myself in the far back corner. Maybe the shift in physical perspective enabled an openness to a different experience. I did find it was easier to hear her from the back of the room, since she does move around a lot. And it also happened that today's message was focused on the topic of "having enough" rather than "never having enough." This resonated with the existential angst that I've been battling of late. Because maybe the reason I am struggling is because I am obsessing over the lack of life that we're given, rather than the abundance. I'm not saying I'm going to become Mr. Positive overnight. But I recognize, and have certainly known, if not consciously embodied the reality that we define our experience by our perspective on it.

But I have been both struggling with these thoughts as well as shifting toward some new way, that hasn't yet emerged, but is percolating below the surface. The yoga, the practice, the guidance are all essential.

It felt good to find myself saying "I really like your classes."

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