05 January, 2015

Someone to blame

Today was vinyasa with Ben Grieshaber.

Today's class was tough. And while it was a good class, there were a few moments where I wasn't sure what was coming next, and got a little twisted up. Not because of expectation, but because of timing. There is definitely a time where you're flowing, and you do need to know what comes next. And, in my fatigue, I started to get irritated. An off-the-mat analogy might be appropriate.

Then when we were doing our balancing series, I was finding it harder to stick the poses. My legs were definitely very fatigued, and I do have to recognize there are days where, for whatever reason (possibly not even physical), the balance will be off. It happened to be the case that Ben was moving back and forth in the front of the room, passing through my "drishti" and I started to get angry at him, like "C'mon! How am I supposed to focus if you're moving all over the place?!"

But then I realized that this was the PERFECT place to practice. Because it's so bloody true off the mat. When things are shaky, or uncertain, or challenging, or not going exactly the way I want them to go, I tend to look outside myself for someone to blame. Someone is causing this. It's not my fault. And the flip side is that I turn it back inside, and blame myself as being inadequate at my core. What is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? I am worthless!

Neither of these extremes is the right path. And neither is necessary. Neither of these is walking the middle path. And I think that recognizing and enduring these feelings is precisely what it means to walk that middle path.

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