18 January, 2015

Slippery slopes and mixed feelings

Today was creative flow with Jodi Boone at Shakti.

Having done yoga 2 days in a row, I wasn't sure I wanted to do yoga 3 days in a row, especially since last night's class really took a toll on my body. But there's a possibility that I will have no way of making it into a studio for 3 consecutive days this week (but somehow I will do yoga), and I opted to get it while I can.

Today was a day where I had originally thought I might be spending the entire day watching football. And I had mixed feelings about that. I've probably written elsewhere about how I have great difficulty allowing myself to support "corporate sports" and to watch all the ridiculous advertising-infused fanfare and hype. About how I find it baffling that people claim a sense of personal satisfaction and victory from watching a bunch of random people wearing uniforms that happen to be playing a game in the name of the city in which they live (or, more often, a city within several hundred miles of the city or town in which they live). I could go on and on. But the mixed feelings come because I really enjoy watching the game, and a part of me, from my youth, has the enthusiasm for my home team.

I don't know why this is yoga blog material. It's just what was on my mind today. I decided that I didn't want to spend my day doing something that I don't want to believe in. I know it's not important, and that it's an old obsession that I've outgrown. I also know there would have been nothing wrong with watching it. I dunno. I suppose if I had cable TV this conversation wouldn't be happening, because I would have certainly watched if it had been easy.

Ramble ramble ramble. Blah blah blah.

So, the second part of my title related to the fact that I'd had a massage before yoga today. I don't usually do it in that order, but that's the way the schedule went today. I wanted to do yoga, and I had already had a massage. The downside of this is that my skin was pretty slick from the massage oil or whatever she uses. Thus, a few poses were hard to do because of not having enough friction in the places that it's needed. Tree, for example. I couldn't do Tree properly. And it made me angry. I got these really angry hateful thoughts toward myself. And I don't know why I had these thoughts because I knew exactly why I couldn't do the pose. It's not to say that I should be angry at myself on any other day that I have a challenge, but it was especially odd that I felt such anger even though the explanation was clear. And I think it's because I'm worried about other people seeing me not doing a "good Tree" pose. I am worried about how it looks. I am proud of my Tree, and I don't want anyone to look at me and think "Wow, he really can't do Tree at all." And I realize how ridiculous this is, because nobody is judging me, and they may not even be looking at me. But then I worry that I am "that guy" who is making it hard for other people to balance because I am wobbling all over the place and messing up their drishti.

It's about wanting to feel perfect.

And it's not going to happen.

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