22 January, 2015

Not gonna not do it

Today was home practice.

I really didn't have the energy after a long day. But after missing two consecutive days, which I really hate to do for whatever reason, I was determined to make this day happen. We'd had plans for a team dinner after work, and there was no missing that, so I knew I'd need to do yoga late, and on a full stomach. Neither of those are optimal. And it was a bit of a crazy stressful day. My house was going on the market today, which is panic-inducing for even the calmest of minds. This morning, there was some sort of a glitch that caused my listing to not initially be posted correctly. Not all the information was showing. And it made me panic thinking "People are going to see this messed up listing and they aren't going to be interested in my house! I am doomed! My house will be worth nothing! I will be destroyed! This is a disaster!" It turns out (and I can say this for certain since I am writing this two days after the fact) that this was a very minor issue, and most of the potential buyers never even noticed the glitchy listing. But it was REAL DANGER in my mind and I was fuming.

Somehow I made it through the day of work activities, and then the team dinner. I didn't even drink any alcohol at dinner, because I knew that I wanted to do yoga, and was committed to doing it. But when I got home I was so tired, stressed, and just emotionally drained, I didn't think I could do it. I was horrible company. I almost fell asleep at 8:30pm. But somehow, around 10pm, I dragged myself into the living room, rolled out my mat, and did a pretty good practice of 45-50 minutes. My mind had quieted a bit, perhaps because I was too tired to obsess or be angry about anything at that point.

I ask myself, in hindsight, how could I have chosen to keep cool, and not panic, and not imagine that the sky was falling in that situation with the minor listing glitch? It was not major. It was not life-threatening and, even if it were, anger or panic was not going to solve it. And that's where I'd say there's still someone in me that likes the drama. Someone that likes when a circumstance arises that is culturally acceptable to lose my shit. Because, who wouldn't agree that having your home sale not go smoothly is a BIG DEAL? So who would question me for losing my shit? Right? But the thing is, it's not about being justified. It's not about "Who wouldn't?" It's about what I want my life to look and feel like. I subjected myself to stress, and I also subjected others to that stress in smaller ways. And it didn't change anything.

What will I do the next time this type of situation occurs?

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