03 January, 2015

A dislike for consequences

Today was home practice.

The schedule didn't really allow me to go to the studio today. Actually, turns out, it would have allowed me to do so, but someone who was supposed to come by my house and talk to me at 4pm ended up not showing up due to a miscommunication. It was a contractor who was going to do some work for me. I ended up deciding that I didn't want to work with this person because of their no-show. I will spare the details, except to say that I felt badly deciding to "penalize" them for not keeping an appointment. I felt guilty like maybe I didn't give them a fair chance. But the facts (that I am sparing you) would probably have you feel the same way I felt. I guess it's in my nature to feel badly about exacting consequences on people. Though there are surely contradictions to that.

Anyway, the commitment today, in this home practice, was to do an honest, full class, not an abbreviated form. I even turned the heat up a bit to get things on the warmer side. And I did about 54 minutes, which I consider to be acceptable. It was nothing out of the ordinary, just followed the Baptiste flow, but I didn't want to cut it short out of laziness or boredom.

There's a lot of work that I need to be doing, both internally and externally, and I don't feel like I am doing it. I am uneasy about that. I am also uneasy about traveling for a week that is coming up soon. It's not a good time for disruptions, and I feel anxiety when I think ahead to it.

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