14 September, 2014

Overcoming huge resistance and accepting good things

Today was home practice.

Man, oh, man, I really didn't want to do yoga today. I wanted to lie around and do nothing. In fact, I did a bit of that. I had a massage today (which is a separate story to be told here). And then I napped, which is something that virtually never do. My back ached, my muscles were all fatigued, and I just felt drained. I think I am still dehydrated from Thursday and Friday's hot yoga classes. Those were the first hot yoga I had done in weeks, and they took a toll on me. And it seems to be still lingering. We went for a walk this afternoon, and I was dragging all the way through that too, feeling that feeling of not wanting to walk too far from home, because I knew that we'd have to walk that distance back. Lamenting each downhill, knowing that there would need to be a corresponding uphill on the way back.

So today, I really didn't want to do the yoga. The only reason I did do it was because I don't like to not do what I plan on doing. I like my days off to be intentional, rather than out of laziness. For not wanting to practice, it turned out to be a reasonably good practice of ~40 minutes, and it was good to get into the hips a bit.

The interesting thing today happened not on the yoga mat, but on the massage table.

As I may have mentioned in some other post in the past, I decided to start getting massages not that long ago. I had a membership for a few years, but I never attended, so the massages piled up, to the point that I had 12-15 massages already paid for but unused. So about a year ago, maybe a little less, I started going. After a couple of months, I found a therapist who I really liked, and have been mostly going to her ever since.

Today, when I was getting the massage, after having not been for about a month (due to travel), I found myself dipping deep into negative thoughts. I was thinking about the past, from times where I was unhappy with myself. I was thinking about parts of myself that I do not like, and about karma, and about whether I am really a bad person. And even though some of these memories date back 15 years, they felt real again, and very present, because I was holding them in my consciousness.

It was really bringing me into a bad place, when I finally managed to ask myself the question: "Why?"

And it wasn't very difficult to figure it out. I have a hard time allowing nice things to come to me. I have a hard time receiving kindness, or gifts, or comfort. And this is especially true of doing the nice things for myself. So my brain automatically starts constructing justifications of why I should not have these things, when I try to allow them to myself.

Understandable, but damaging.

I need to stop doing that.

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