09 July, 2014

Tired but determined

Today was... you guessed it. Yoga in Firenze.

I was really sore and really tired from having walked a ton. That is going to be par for the course for most of this trip. But the yoga will happen. I told myself that I would do 25-30 minutes, and focused on slower stretches, only doing one long flow that included all of the Warrior stuff. I figured it would be short and sweet, but it was closer to 38 minutes, so that's good.

On the inner work notes, it appears that I continue to snag a bit on "logistics." I worry about them. I worry about things going perfectly, and if there's any indication that they will not go perfectly, I autopilot into some sort of self-deprecating pattern. I get obsessive and negative, and take on a tone inwardly and outwardly that doesn't even sound like me. I am choosing to create drama when I can't find the answers immediately, even if it's for something fairly low stakes. I don't know why I do it. But I recognize it, and it doesn't suit me. Yet I guess some part of me feels like I deserve it? I don't know.

It's happened a few times. When we were leaving Florence, we had an issue where we couldn't print our train ticket. We had so much time to spare, because I had allowed for this type of time in our plan. But it turned out that the one machine we were trying to use had run out of printing paper for the specific type of ticket we were printing. So it gave a weird error message like "This service is not possible at this time." Or something even more vague. I started to worry, and feel like I hadn't planned well. Hell, I mean, I left an hour of time for just this purpose, and we still made it with time to spare once we figured it out. But I wanted to start blaming myself instead of just solving the problem rationally. And when I do this, it makes me a far less effective problem solver.

I made a vow to myself that I would not let work preparation make me anxious and crazy anymore. And that's pretty much all about logistics. So why am I still letting things like vacation planning do it? There's a groove in the sand deep in the bottom of my lake that really wants to keep fostering that pattern. I guess it's a step in the right direction that I am recognizing it, and that I am feeling it does not serve me.

The recognition is not worthless. But the action after the recognition is another level of work.

And I am working on it.

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