12 July, 2014

Moments outside of the moment

Today was vinyasa home practice. In France. Right?

It was a slightly less motivated day for practice. I asked of myself a half hour and ended up doing close to 40 minutes. It was a non-conventional routine, because I didn't feel like doing same same. So it was a lot of stretching type of poses to start, followed by one long flow, and then a couple more stretches.

Today was one of those days where I had one of those moments where, best as I could put it, I couldn't resist the urge to create drama. We were driving into the town of Arles, and I had a mini freak out over the parking effort. I will save you the details. Everything turned out better than fine, and we ended up with free parking, but not until I had got really anxious, frustrated, and panicking that I was going to slide off the surface of the earth. That's the type of catastrophe that must have been imminent in my reptile brain for me to react the way I did. Again, it was nothing but 5-10 minutes of the uncomfortable situation, but I chose to make it so much more painful than it needed to be.

And I know this. Right? How many times have I called this out? Of course, I recognize, also, that berating myself for it here does not help matters. But I am really curious, why it is that this lesson is so hard for me to learn. Why do I want to suffer? Why is this pattern one that I continue to service, though it doesn't serve me?

I recognized today that it was definitely an element of fear. I wonder, actually, if it's worse because there's someone else there with me, or if I would freak out just as badly alone? I am not sure. I think that there's something of shame for having not executed every move perfectly, with a "witness" (who actually is not judging me -- it's me who is the judge). There's something to that. It's about the witness.

But the witness is always me.

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