26 May, 2014

Unrealistic expectations

Today was vinyasa with Alice.

This morning, I started working on a music project. It has been many months since I found myself deciding to sit down and really work on something. It was just a cover tune, not an original, but I felt like I was motivated to do something. The plan was to work for 4 hours, and then go to yoga.

That's not what happened.

I started working on doing what was supposed to just be a "scratch vocal" (meaning, the vocal that you record just so you know where all of the parts of the song go, and then you work on the instruments, and then go back and record the vocals for real later). This is a song that I don't know very well. I hadn't ever tried singing it before, and didn't know the words. So I was trying to learn it on the fly, one line at a time. And, recall, as I said, it doesn't need to be perfect, since it's just a temporary track.

After singing the first two lines of the song, with moderate frustration, but a passable result, I got to the third line, and suddenly felt this major wave of embarrassment, inadequacy, shame, and defeat. All sorts of negative thoughts went flying through me. That devolved into asking myself why I am even bothering to work on these pointless projects.

My immediate reaction was "I need to get out of here."

Within five minutes I was out the door. And on my way to yoga class (fortunately).

Class was difficult, but it took me mostly into the present moment. I was glad to just have something I had to do. Commands to follow. After class, I drifted a bit back into the negativity, and found myself at home, lying on the floor for a while (partly because of the exhaustion from class, and partly... well, I don't know what else, but not great, whatever reason).

It could really best be described as wallowing in negativity lately.

But having a hard time stopping it.

I don't know why I would expect myself to be able to sing a song perfectly on the first try, without having any familiarity with it. That would be like coming to yoga for the first time, and being angry that I can't do Standing Splits with my leg straight up in the air.

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