23 May, 2014

Thus ends another week

Today was vinyasa with Elizabeth.

I raced out of work to make sure I arrived at this class on time. It has been a difficult week, with lots of ambiguity and churn, which are exactly the types of things that throw me out of balance. Somehow, in the midst of the off-the-mat chaos, I have been starting to find a good place on the mat again. The yoga, which hurt for several weeks, and was finding little focus, and less motivation, is making a comeback. I find myself wanting to go that extra day rather than taking that extra day off.

Today, there were some strange sequences in class. She did it on purpose, and it was about taking us out of the expected. We spent a lot of time on one leg at a time, and I could really feel the fatigue in my standing leg. On the second round of Eagle pose, which I guess I hadn't expected, I found myself really start to lose my balance, and the wrapping of the parts was becoming unraveled. All of a sudden, a wave of emotion hit me, and I started to cry, and really felt myself coming apart. I don't know what the trigger was. I think it might have been this sense of being unable to hold it all together. The Eagle pose is all about keeping things so wrapped up and focused, and it was just disintegrating. And the emotions of inadequacy, and self-disappointment hit me in that moment. It disappeared almost as quickly as it arose, and then I couldn't even get back to that feeling.

In class today, I found myself able to do Half Moon, looking up toward the ceiling (on one side) for the first time in a long time. I had practically stopped trying to do it, for a long time, because it had not felt like an option.

I've also been pushing myself more to do Wheel poses lately. And trying not to stop doing the work near the end of class.

It's too bad that "better on the mat" doesn't translate directly into "better off the mat." I am seeing low correlation between the two.

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