12 May, 2014

Something new for Mondays?

Today was "Formless Flow" with Carie Martin at Live Love Flow.

Yeah, what's that, right?

Carie was filling in for Jaime today. This was my first time taking the class, and it was again part of the quest to avoid 90 minute heated classes. This one was a 60 minute unheated class, that focuses on arm balances, but also contains a reasonable amount of standard vinyasa sequences. Carie's not a bad teacher at all. There was not any spiritual angle here. Just calling it out in a straightforward manner. But that's really all I need.

That said, for all of her lack of woo-woo, she did almost get me to hiccup some emotion during the final moments of class (and the knowing look as we exchanged glances told me that she saw it happen). We were rolling over onto our side to come to a seated position. Carie said something like "Just notice that this feeling is here for you everywhere you go, if you want to have it." And for some reason, I snagged on that, like a loose shirt getting caught on a chain-link fence. Almost cried, but instead I let out a little laugh, because I don't really feel like that sensation is there for me all the time. I have spent so much time lately stuck in feelings of inadequacy, self-dislike, judgment. I don't know why, but it happens every so often. If I look back through this blog, I will find it again and again. The only thing I don't know, because I haven't plotted the curve, is the frequency of it. I've told myself many times that it would be interesting to track the trend. Ironically, I suspect that tracking the trend would change the trend, though, because the act of placing a score in a spreadsheet would make me ask the question, "Well, why is my mood a 5 today, instead of an 8?" I suppose that would be a good thing. But I don't know if I'd learn. And then, eventually, I would stop making the chart. And then, eventually, I would start having periods where my mood is a 5 or a 3, and I'd ask myself why it is that I don't make a chart to keep track of this.

Heh, right?

What's the ultimate goal? To understand what those patterns on the bottom of our lake are? Or to find a way to change them into new patterns that work better for us?

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