20 May, 2014

It doesn't get any easier

Today was vinyasa with Carley.

It hasn't been a fantastic few days. There should be nothing wrong, but I find myself in anxiety, withdrawal, and generally negative outlook. Work should be great, with new things starting. But instead, I have been wrapped up in the frustration of the ambiguity, and in how much people annoy me. Even on my drives around the city, I find more frustration with cyclists running red lights, than I find joy in the blue skies that keep on gracing us.

In short, I am finding a way to make the worst of things.

The same is true at home. Withdrawing, alienating. It's not a new story. This happens to me. If you look back through the archives, it's in there. I guess it's my pattern. And it's very contradictory.

Anyway, not to dwell on that, I arrived at class with my head in a buzz from the anxiety of work, and the various people and situations there. And I was thinking at the start of class "How am I going to let go of all this and be present for a 90 minute class?" And I was also keenly aware that, to not let go of all that, I would be subjecting myself to torture.

The actual class was not quite torture. It was not the longest 90 minutes of my life. And I didn't end up spending the entire class thinking about work. But I did spend a large portion of the class feeling strong negative thoughts about myself, and not even really trying to stop feeling them. I was almost wallowing in them, as if it's a dose of some poison that I must believe I deserve. I'm in there, half-naked, because that's where we are, and I am taking myself down a notch throughout the entire class. Occasionally, I would allow my mind to drift to the fit gentleman a few rows ahead of me, to further amplify my self-dissatisfaction through a bit of comparison.

Why would I do this to myself? (because I must believe I deserve it...)

Why do I feel like I deserve it? (that, I don't know... perhaps because I recognize the ways that I am flawed, and am unwilling to forgive or accept myself for these things?)

Why am I so unwilling to forgive or accept myself for being flawed, which we all are? (because I somehow have come to believe that I am more flawed than most, and don't deserve forgiveness or acceptance)

And that's where the logic starts to become circular. How do I go deeper than asking the questions, and coming back with the answer "you deserve to feel bad."

The strange part is that I think I am happiest not when life is any better or easier than it is now. I am happiest when I forget that I deserve to feel bad!!!

On the bright side, Carley forgot to do abs today, and that was a tiny gift.

No comments:

Post a Comment