07 March, 2014

Breakthroughs and resistance

Today was vinyasa with Lara.

I'd planned on taking the day off, in this supposed cause of giving the shoulder more rest, though I don't know if it's really that, or if I just don't feel like doing yoga. I have been tired this week. I tell myself I don't have jet lag from the trip, but I guess I have been staying up later, and waking up earlier, and feeling lethargic and unmotivated. So perhaps there's something up there.

But I took a guilty peek at the calendar, feeling the "shoulds" of yoga (yes, there are those) and saw that Lara was subbing for Tina. Since a Lara class is not all that often of an opportunity, I decided it was good enough reason, coupled with making a comeback from yesterday's meltdown, that I should get back in there and have a good class.

It was very crowded, being a Tina class (with Lara teaching), and the half room size. It was very humid. But I had a pretty good class. Things didn't feel great, and I do feel heaviness in my arms. A day later, feeling soreness in the trapezius muscles that normally is not there, and don't know why. I must just be fatigued.

After class, someone approached me who is part of the Baptiste community, and said to me, paraphrasing "I was thinking about you today... I really think you should do a Level 1 training! I think you would have a breakthrough."

My immediate reaction to that was to be a bit defensive (internally, and perhaps, even, externally).

Why do I need to have a breakthrough? What's wrong with me? Are you saying that I am stuck? Are you saying that I am deluding myself? Is there something wrong with me?

I mentioned that if I were to decide to do a teacher training, I would probably rather do it at Be Luminous, in the community I know and love. And their response was that I should do both, then. But definitely do the Baptiste one.

So... you're saying there's definitely something wrong with me, then... I'm getting that loud and clear.

I must be telling myself stories.

I dunno. I am being somewhat facetious, but these are the reactions that come up for me. I did a 1 day Baptiste workshop. And I shared in front of a room full of 350 people. And I saw what it could do. I know a full week of training has a lot more intense activity. And I don't rule out the possibility that I would experience some new perspectives. I find the word "breakthrough" to be a little bit loaded, because it's like therapy.

And why do I need to have a breakthrough?

I have done a lot of work on myself. And I have come a long way in the past 5 years. And I do know that I have a long way to go. The road is never-ending. Maybe the language of the Baptiste teaching is something that I now find laden with extra meaning. Or maybe there is no meaning, other than that which I attach.

A friend of mine once told me about the approach that a recovery program encourages with respect to bringing people into the program who are currently not part of it. It's simple: "Attraction not Promotion." The idea is that if people can observe the changes something has made in your life, they'll be a lot more curious than if you go constantly telling the how they really should come to a meeting.

And I guess that is sort of how I feel about the Baptiste program. I only know a few people who have done Baptiste trainings well enough to say what impact it may or may not have had on their lives. I don't doubt the value of doing self-work. I went to the 1-day workshop because I was curious. It was what I expected, perhaps a little bit better.

But I am not sure I want to do the work with 100 other people whom I don't know. And I know that I could become their "best friend" during the course of the workshop, as often happens in immersions. But I would rather build stronger bonds with the community I am already a part of, and support the teachers who I put my trust in day in and day out.

I don't resent being told that I should go to Level 1. And I don't even really wonder why they said it, since I know it was just to be supportive, not critical.

But I will choose my own path, in light of, or in spite of the suggestions of others.

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