27 January, 2014

Paving new roads

Today was vinyasa with Michel.

The 90 minute Monday with Michel. These are never strolls through the park. But today, I felt ready to give it my all, and it was a very good class. Michel is uplifting, and it’s always nice to share a smile when we make eye contact during the class. She often makes me laugh, right when I want to be so tired and so pissed off that smiling is the last thing on my mind. But there I am, smiling. She is a teacher, through and through.

At the end of class today we spent some time doing inversions. I decided to give the handstands a shot, since I have been so bold with headstands of late. I really don’t have the flexibility (or strength? not sure which) to kick up gracefully to the wall, but Michel came and helped me, and spotted me, and assisted me getting up into the handstand. I didn’t shy away from it. I would have shamelessly plopped on my mat in Savasana a few months ago, stubbornly unwilling to try any inversions. I am not saying that as a self-judgment. It is simply true. I was stubborn. But I was not ready. Can one be stubborn about not being ready? That’s what I was. But now, I want to try. 

I don’t know what it all means in the context of my life off the mat. What does it mean that I am now meeting the challenge of going upside down? I am now exploring what it is like to not be always on my feet, always on the ground, always in control. What does it mean? How does it manifest in my life off the mat? I think the answer may be that it is not yet evident, but eventually it will be. I am laying the groundwork for something that is yet to come. Or, if it has come, it is not yet at the level of my conscious awareness. It’s interesting to think about… the idea that I am creating something, but I don’t even know what it is, or what it will be.

But, like I have said before, and heard before, and am starting to believe…

It’s alright not to know.

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