10 December, 2013

Tired but present

Today was vinyasa with Kelly Armstrong on hitPLAYyoga.

Pretty tired. Not sure why, but the jet lag seems to have taken a second swing at me, a few days after returning to what I thought was normalcy. Didn't really want to do yoga, but I did it anyway, and managed to have a reasonably focused class. Not much to say about the class itself. It was a standard Baptiste class with no frills. Felt like my standing balance poses were very strong today, which is a good feeling. It is nice to do unheated classes part of the time, because the heat really does sap so much of my energy. I am curious if there are others for whom the heat does not remove energy at all.

Today we had a team-building exercise at work. One of those things where the group does some personality test and then we discuss how we are similar and different, and what the ways are of communicating with one another, blah, blah, blah. I like these types of exercises, because they tend to make me feel more connected, even if only temporarily, to those around me. Everyone, including myself, is usually on their best behavior.

At the end of the class, we were supposed to say something we want to do differently going forward, and I had made the claim that I would try to build stronger connection with the people whose types were most different from mine, and validate their approach. And as soon as I said it, I started to feel anxiety, because I am not sure it's a promise I want to live up to. I don't know if I want to take on the overhead of doing that, even though I know that it could potentially have value. I am skeptical. Would rather just stay inside my comfort zone of fostering the connections that are already working. But it was so weird, the strong feeling of "What the hell did I just say?!" It wasn't like anyone in the room would react strongly to what I said, and it isn't like anyone will be thinking, "I wonder if he'll keep that promise?" But I feel fear around it anyway. It involves me doing something different for two different types of people. There are the people who like structure and process, and try to create structure... I promised that I would try to do my part to validate their efforts, and to contribute in small ways that I can contribute. And then there are the people who are very direct, don't like to go through formalities, and need everything to be fun and exciting. To them, I promised that I would try to participate a little more in the "fun/play" aspect of being on a team. All of this is stuff that I dread, and I don't know why I found myself wanting to promise anything.

It goes back to a conversation I had with a friend the other day, which was actually about the very same topic. I think I have a tendency to believe that if I do the right thing, others will too. But the reality is, others may or may not reciprocate, and I need to make the choice about how I want to be without consideration of the behavior in return. Otherwise, I am going to be setting up for disappointment. And I am afraid, though. I don't want to put the bridge out there, and end up having it collapse with me on it.

Being tired, it occurs to me that I should probably not attach too much to the feelings I am having today.

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