03 December, 2013

Struggling

Today was vinyasa with Shelley Lowther on hitPLAYyoga.

Whenever I am having a really hard time these days, I find myself turning to the Baptiste sequence. It's something to do with knowing what I will be experiencing. There's a familiarity, and calm that comes with it.

It's been a hard couple of days. I have been struggling a lot with feelings of inadequacy in my job. And I know it's likely all just my internal talk. But I worry that I am not doing enough (while simultaneously not willing to do more). Some said to me the other day that there's a way of addressing stress. It involves a few questions you can ask yourself. It went something like this:


  1. Is there anything that I can do about the way I feel right now? If no, then don't worry. If yes,
  2. Am I willing to do whatever that is? If yes, then do it. If no, then don't worry.
I think I may be missing a question, but that's essentially the idea. And yet, I find myself worrying about things over which either I cannot take action, or over which I can take action, but am not willing to do so. If Baron Baptiste were here in the room, he would probably say "How is that working out for you?" It's obvious, I think, that it's serving some part of me that believes that I deserve to feel badly. Because that's exactly what happens.

Yesterday, I was feeling worse, and worse. Finally, I realized that I needed to do something to pull myself out of it (willingness, a hint of it anyway). I sought out a colleague here, and asked if they had some time to chat about the project. Immediately upon initiating the conversation, I started feeling better, and hopeful. What it told me was that engagement is what makes me feel better, and isolation makes me feel worse. I walked away from that meeting briefly feeling better. But then I started spinning into the "What am I going to do?" thoughts, and drifted down a bit again. Then, there was a plan for a social gathering here in the evening, going out to a Christmas Market with some friends here on the team in Munich. My first reaction was "I am not going." But after I had already declined, and they were departing, I realized that I was setting myself up for feeling even more isolated and disconnected. So I chased after them, and decided to join. Then, I went through yet another down mood at the market when I was standing in line, alone, waiting for food, and feeling like it wasn't even worth waiting. I am seeing myself depriving myself of having enjoyment. Finally, after more brooding, I got some food, and slowly the conversation opened up with the others, and I started feeling better, and more connected.

The rest of the night, including yoga, was not too bad.

What I don't understand is why I feel the need to do this to myself.

Perhaps I am tired from the traveling, and it brings my mood down. Or perhaps something else. I don't have the answers. 

I hope that if I just keep showing up on the mat, it will work itself out in time.

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