17 December, 2013

More thoughts about yes and no

Today was vinyasa with Laura Calcaterra on hitPLAYyoga.

Immediately after writing the entry for yesterday's class, I did a home practice Baptiste flow with Laura Calcaterra. It was a good class, very basic, and she has a message that does as good a job as any at keeping me in the practice.

At the very start of class, she was talking about how we should come to our mat to "check in" to our lives rather than to escape. And as soon as she said that, I started reflecting on what I had just written, and experienced in yesterday's class with Chelle.

The truth is, I always stay within my comfort zone. I play it safe. I don't take many risks. In my career, I have always done the "good job" on the things I know how to do, and rarely want to take on the Herculean projects that are career-makers. I fear that much commitment and responsibility, and always focus overly on the "What could go wrong?" approach. So, as it stands, I have a fair amount of success in my life but, for the education and opportunities I have had, one could say that I haven't probably met my potential.

The same was true when I ran track in high school. In all of the practices, I would be one of the fastest runners, and then, in the competitions, I would be middle-of-the-pack. Not meeting expectations. I wasn't willing to push myself to those limits where it might hurt, or feel bad. Instead I would stay in 3rd gear. And I guess one could say I kind of live my life in 3rd gear.

The question I still ask myself is whether it's good or bad that I operate there. Do I have to want more? Do I want more? Am I content? I go back and forth between lamenting that I have not accomplished more and not really wanting to even keep up the battle to maintain where I am now. I guess one could say that I don't really know what I want.

I am still a little unsure how I feel about being a yes, or being a no. It's so black and white. In that language, I feel as if Baron is saying that if we are not constantly adding new poses, and increasing the depth of our expression of the poses we already have, then we are getting nowhere. It may be true that the way I can become less fearful about taking those huge leaps in my career might be to learn to do Handstand. I fully acknowledge that.

But I still don't know if that is what I want.

And I seem to remember reading, somewhere, that it's okay not to know.

No comments:

Post a Comment