26 November, 2013

Sun in Vertigo

Today was vinyasa with Carley.

Another 90 minute class. Two of those in a row is not something I typically do, but I really wanted to take Michel's class, and then I really wanted to take Carley's class. For one reason or another, I started getting vertigo near the end of class. Carley thought maybe it was dehydration. That's a reasonable guess, but it sort of feels more to me like a recurrence of that strange periodic vertigo that I have had for several years now. The first time I got it was 2008.

Class was difficult but not unreasonably so.

I am having a hard time still with the motivation. I am struggling between what I want versus what I think I should want. And afraid to just relax with what is, partly because of my nature, but also because I think our corporate culture does not want us to relax with what is. That is the opposite of productivity.

It occurred to me yesterday that I have been doing this career now for about seven years. I was a biologist for about seven years. And before that, I was an electrical engineer for about seven years. There's probably a reason why there's something called a seven-year itch. Though I don't think it necessarily was intended to be related to professions.

I don't know what's next.

I know I know I know that it is okay not to know. I know that in my mind, but I don't feel it. Or maybe I know it in my body but I don't think it. I am just not getting it. I don't know what will come next, but I know it will be something different.

I want to be doing something that matters. But I am also afraid to take on the commitment or responsibility of such things. My conflicting goals suspend me in this limbo.

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