18 November, 2013

It's okay to not know...

Today was online vinyasa (podcast) with Adrienne Hengels.


I really didn't want to do yoga today. I really, really, really didn't want to. I had a tough day at work for reasons that were almost entirely internally driven. Just having trouble focusing. After finding the positive last week, today I found myself plummeting back down into the darkness and blocked state. One meeting where someone was being obstructionist, albeit because they care about what they were arguing against, but it set me in a mindset of "I am never going to be able to get anything done around here." Then the "I can't do this" thoughts came in, along with the not knowing why I am here, and feeling rather useless. I ended up deciding to head home a little early just to get away from it (though I found myself still answering work emails and messages even after my escape). Plopped myself down in front of Netflix for one episode of "Continuum" which has been a pleasant vacation from reality the last few days. Promised myself "One episode, then yoga." But wasn't really sure how I was going to motivate.

It didn't feel like an Ali Kamenova day. Her energy is a little too sedate for me. So I thought about podcasts. Didn't think I could bear a fourth (or is it fifth) time doing the same Kinndli McCollum class again. Too tedious. Needed something new. Almost listened to one by Mark White but the first 30 seconds of it didn't sound like it was going to be the right vibe. So... after a tiny bit of poking around, I stumbled across Adrienne Hengels, and figured I would give her a shot.

It was exactly what I needed. I went from a state of "I don't know how I am going to make myself do yoga right now," to a state of complete focus (well, maybe not complete, but pretty darn good). I stayed in the class, with every pose, no major distractions or mind wandering, for the entire class, and felt strong the entire way too. She's a little quick with her flows for my breath cycle, but I really was willing to do whatever someone told me to do right now. Just wanted to resign myself to the practice and let it take me on the ride. Whatever she's got going on has to be better than the bats fluttering around my belfry right now.

It was pretty standard Baptiste, with a few nice variations, some of which I wasn't even sure I was doing what she was saying to do, but no matter. Did the best I could. Her message is really good, and she talked a lot about not letting the mind go to the next thing we need to do. Check. And about how maybe there are tough times or that we feel stuck, but that will pass. Check.

At the end, the podcast kept rolling during a relatively long Savasana (for a recorded class - they usually cut away before or during Savasana and leave you to your own devices). I might have normally shut it off, but I laid there and stayed still. And after about 5 minutes, Adrienne did a reading that really hit right where I needed it today. It was a reading about "Not Knowing."

I Googled it, and found the link to it. I share it with you here in a blog that is quoting "Journey Into The Heart" by Melody Beattie (who seems to say all the inspirational stuff).

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