27 November, 2013

Am I doing enough?

Today was "Sweet Slow Flow I" with Audra Grady on hitPLAYyoga.

I knew that my body needed a rest. From the heat. From the "Power Yoga." So I applied the appropriate search criteria on the hitPLAYyoga website, and came across a few choices for mellow classes. And it was, indeed, mellow. I relaxed into the breath, never feeling overexerted (though, I must confess, I could feel the residual fatigue from two tough classes in the one Warrior pose that we did).

It was exactly what my body needed today.

But somehow, I feel myself nagged by the feeling of "did I do enough?" Was that class enough? Or should I have been pushing myself a little harder? Or a lot harder? Was that class anything for me? Or was it no different than just taking a nap?

I know the answers to these questions. The yoga is the breath. The yoga is being in the moment. Whether one does jumping jacks, or handstands, or fireflies, or an hour of Savasana, the yoga is not defined by the shapes the body makes. I know this. And yet, there's that dialog going on in the background, even as I breathe fully... even as I achieve moments of moments. Something that keeps asking the questions... am I doing enough? Is this the right thing? What about this? What about that? What about... Am I enough?

I look at my little belly that has been aggravating me by being a pound or two plumper than it was six months ago, if that. And I think about how if I pushed harder every day, and ate less, and made better choices, and... and... and... and... and... and... then... then, I would be better... happier... more peaceful... less anxious...

And I know. I know. I know. These thoughts are incorrect. I know, and yet it's still difficult.

The small victory, if I can call out one, is that I listened to what my body needed today, in spite of the screaming voices. I didn't do nothing. And I didn't do too much. I did what I needed.

That is something.

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