17 October, 2013

Defiance comes from the inside

Today was vinyasa with Valerie Kardonski.

Had been planning on taking Tina's class, and there was a substitute. I looked her up online, and it said she was from Shakti, which is a Baptiste studio, so I made the incorrect assumption that she'd likely do a very standard Baptiste flow. What we got instead was a really unusual series of flows, rarely doing any of the sequences that I would expect. I had a really hard time following her instructions, and often had to look up to even figure out what she was telling us to do. I became frustrated. Long, complicated flow, and it was brutally difficult, and then we had to repeat the entire long complicated flow again, only at a pace that was even more difficult. Wah wah wah. Hear me whining?

As class wore on, I found myself becoming increasingly defiant. First, I didn't want to do Humble Warrior, which is somewhat justifiable, because it sometimes tweaks my low back (though I did it at home the next day when Ali K. called for it, because I do not feel defiance toward a teacher who is only present via YouTube, perhaps). It ended up extending to other sequences later in the class. She called for Child's Pose, and I sat, defiantly, in Hero's Pose, as if to say "You're not breaking me. I don't need a Child's Pose." But really all I was doing was fueling my own frustration.

It was also the first hot class I had taken since my many days off, so I was feeling the effects of heat and humidity in a very crowded room, and also lamenting the fact that Valerie never purged the humidity once during the entire class. Grrrrrrr! Looking for ways to not be in the moment.

I made it through the class, and realized during, and after, that the defiance comes from me both on and off the mat, when I don't feel comfortable or in control. When people do things in a way different from how I would do them, I can become defiant. "I'll show you!" But really, I am only making myself a spectacle, and making myself angry.

I can't say I will seek out her class again, though maybe I should? Maybe it was just a bad day for me, and I need to show up with a different attitude. I remember having the same battle with Ginger's classes and, to a lesser extent, Scott's. And I overcame the conflict which was mainly an internal one. I had to learn how to adapt myself to the class. Scott helped me see that it is easier to match the rhythm of the class than to try to stick to my guns.

Ugh...

The pose you hate the most is the one you need the most... the class you hate the most is the one you need the most. Can it really, always be true?

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