26 August, 2013

See it as light, know it as love

Today was Vinyasa with Jaime Schmitz.

Always inspiring. Always difficult. Jaime manages to be one of the most uplifting and peaceful, while simultaneously ass-kicking yoga teachers I have encountered. Each time I have taken her class, I have found myself becoming more and more connected to the message. It's a message about energy. It's a message about the heart versus the mind. It's a message about intention. Her opening 5-10 minutes of class seem to have a way of making tears stream down my face regardless of whether I am having a good day or a bad day.

Today was a good day, although I have been experiencing a little bit of the "Suffering" (with a capital S) at work because of worrying a little bit about whether I will be able to get it all done, and keep it all together, and have complete control over those things that are not completely controllable, while still not needing to work (much) more than the standard working hours. I want to hold myself to those limits because I think that Work/Life balance should stay at a pretty fixed ratio. But sometimes things move out of that ratio.

This week and last week, I have found myself starting to spin off into what I might call the "mini panics" about whether everything is going to come together okay. When I worry, I become anxious, and I start to become negative, and start to be defeatist. And this lasts a little while, and then I snap out of it. I have started to notice that it is worse when I don't make time to eat, or if I drink too much caffeine (often I do both). And I also noticed that it is at those times that I start to really panic if, on top of all that, I am behind in my writing here (as I am now). It pulls me into the "shoulds" that are hard to avoid. I should be keeping up with this. I shouldn't be doing that.

So why was today a good day of tears streaming down my face?

When Jaime asked us to think of a situation in which we were completely at peace, bliss, full of love, and to remember that feeling, I actually had one right there at hand. I didn't find myself empty. I felt full. And it was nice to be able to experience that sensation. I suspect it is always there to experience. Today I was able to find it without searching.

It's only 9:40pm and I am tired. And I still have two days of yesterblogs to write. I *should* really get those done and then go to sleep...

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