04 August, 2013

Poison of a conditioned life

Today was gentle yoga with Elizabeth McElveen.

"I step to the front of my mat to stop drinking the poison of living a conditioned life."

Practicing is the commitment to observe ourselves and create an opportunity to act in a manner other than that conditioned one. I suppose it doesn't need to be on a yoga mat at all. It could be meditation. Or it could just be living in the present. Without yoga or meditation. I suppose that is possible too. I don't know that I ever did it. It's hard enough to do it now even some of the time, with the yoga.

I have a bit of anxious energy in me because of an unexpected situation that arose for me. Without any details that I cannot share, I will say that it manifested itself as fear in me of almost a panic like nature, because of a sense of loss of control over my own life. It had a healthy dose of shame wrapped up in it too. Confusion. Rationalization. Hunting for explanation. And the thing is, it's no big deal. I could forget about it and everything would be fine. But it was a little curveball that life will invariably deal. Expect the unexpected one might say. But actually we might as well not bother expecting the unexpected because we will be no better prepared. The real trick is just to be able to accept whatever comes and keep moving forward with the same grace and peace regardless of whether it's the same or completely different. I guess I thought I was getting good at that until something new popped up that had never even been in my lexicon of possibilities.

So now all I can do is practice here. Breathe here.

I had a hard time falling asleep because of my mind latching into that which is already behind me and creating stories about what may be ahead. Non essential. Sleep. Move on. Things will be what they're gonna be anyway.



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