28 August, 2013

Burning down the forest

Today was Power Vinyasa with Cassandra.

My head was cloudy. I had a lot of negative thoughts going on, where I was spiraling into worst case scenarios. My little mental sentinels were telling me that situations might not be all okay. But another part of my mind was still able to maintain itself as the observer and noted that stress often triggers in me a kind of vigilance that extends into the land of irrationality, and that I need to be very careful what signals I trust and which ones should be discarded, or at least incubated without immediate action. 

It has been a tough week with the work schedule kind of intense. I had my first "big thing" at work, and was under the pressure of making sure it went well, and that everything was prepared. Not all of it felt within my control. This stress set me on edge, and that is what I have been navigating for the past 24-48 hours, though it was probably starting to ramp before that. I needed to try to do something to cut through all that, and get me back to a place where I had some perspective. The thing that came to mind was Cassandra's class because it always worked for me in the past. Returning to the places that were familiar. The right medicine for the situation. 

The class was insanely hot. It's true. And I knew it would be. I guess maybe some part of me hoped that a 4pm class would not be as hot as the later one tends to be, but I didn't really have my hopes up for that. But I came there, in a sense, specifically to create an environment, a discomfort I guess, that would take my focus out of all the other crap that was kicking around my mind, and get me centered on only the situation right in front of me. More or less, it worked. From the moment my forehead touched the mat in Child's Pose, I had the initial sparkle of clarity that there are multiple perspectives to any situation. The ability to look at interactions and see other explanations than my worst-case scenarios. 

I don't really want to say any more right now.

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