10 June, 2013

Suffering continues until you let it stop

Today was Vinyasa with Jaime Schmitz at Live Love Flow.

It was my first time taking class with her. The sun was shining in the room at just the right angle so as to elevate the heat beyond the already roasty 95 degrees that was intended. It was bright enough and harsh enough that some students moved their mats after class started, to get to shelter in corners of the room where the sun didn't shine. I stayed where I was, finding that opening up to a Side Angle pose with the sun straight in my eyes was even more challenging than the regular version of the pose when exhausted. Blindness can be unbalancing, it turns out.

Jaime talked a lot about intention and creating positive energy and about how what we cultivate in our thoughts will permeate every molecule of our bodies. And, with those words, I thought (sadly) "I am fucked today." Because I was just in a place of heaviness, and I not only found myself unable to get out of it, I questioned if I actually deserved to be out of it. She asked us to think of a time where we felt pure joy. None. Blank. I could think of plenty of bittersweet or melancholy times. But today, the joy eluded me.

I recognize this is what I choose to recall, and that this was what I cultivated today. I also recognize that her words are true, and that the unwillingness or inability to find that bright light that shines through my soul meant that I got to move through these intricate vinyasa sequences carrying medicine balls hanging from my heart. And that's just what the mat dealt for me today. I breathed my breath. I did the yoga. I tried my best to find as much focus and acceptance as I could in the experience. And I was happy, if tangentially, to experience a new teacher who had a unique and special energy. But I hope to one day soon take her class when I am able to more freely partake of what she has to offer with her uplifting words.

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