08 June, 2013

Sometimes it feels good to be bad

Today was Power Vinyasa with Sean O'Connor.

I had originally planned on dragging out of bed this morning at 7:30am to go to Alice's class at Live Love Flow. I did succeed in dragging ass out of bed, but some sort of intelligence in me made the decision that my body wasn't really ready for another class that early in the morning, after a few days of tough yoga. Instead, I opted to sitting on the couch with the cat and getting some extra physical recuperation time.

Thus, I landed in Sean's 4pm class. For some reason, his classes have been a struggle for me. I don't think he's too fast, and I don't find anything about his class that I can put my finger on as being "harder" than any other class. But I am repeatedly having a hard time in there, and today was no different. In fact, this was one of the first times in a long time that I got into a mindset of "I'm not doing that. I don't care. I'm done with such and such, or so and so, and I am not doing that." It started with a strange modification of a side plank that he had us do. I've found regular side plank to be a little much for my shoulders to hold the weight in one hand lately, and my wrists haven't been loving it either. Today he did something unusual with the foot positioning, and I tried it on one side, and then pretty much did a "Okay, enough of that" after trying to get into it on the other side. That started the slide downward, which continued for several other poses, perhaps climaxing with my stubborn decision that I was simply not doing Wheel, whether I could do it or not. I don't know if my body didn't need it. I don't know if my body did need it. I don't know if I was letting myself off the hook, and I had decided by that point that I didn't care, and even felt a little defiant about resting peacefully in reclined butterfly blissfully ignorant of what was occurring around me.

I know it's something in me. It's not Sean. And I also know it's probably not even really something in my body, because I was not suffering particularly badly today. It was something in my head, my willingness, my intention. I was a big fat "no" today, and decided to bask in it, giving two middle fingers to Iyengar and perhaps even the Buddha himself! Well, okay, maybe it was not that extreme. I recognize that there was an opportunity for me to work through it, and do what I didn't want to do, even though I didn't want to do it. And there will, I hope, be nine days out of ten that I will do just that, and feel elation afterward that I pushed through it. Today, there was unapologetic glory in just letting it be my yoga class, for no one but me. I've worked hard lately. I could have taken a day off, it's true. But I chose to show up, and be half-assed for about 30 minutes of the 75 minute class.

So there!

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