28 June, 2013

Onward

Today was Power Vinyasa with Elizabeth Thomas.

I handed my ID, my bus pass, and my laptop to my manager. We shook hands, and we said farewell at the 5th floor elevators. Down I went, and out the door, for the final time. I stepped out onto the sidewalk to start the rest of my life. And it was fitting, therefore, that the rest of my life began, immediately, with a yoga class. It's the constant. It's the glue. It's the springboard. It's the root system. It's the sanctuary. As I walked across the street, I had one of those almost eerie calm feelings I sometimes get in big moments, where it feels so calm it is almost unreal. I recognize the gravity of it. But I feel extreme nonchalance. I want to believe it's non-attachment, but some part of me fears that it is actually disconnection. It's really hard to be sure between the two, which it is.

It was pretty hot and humid, and Elizabeth seemed to have not really even turned on the heat, since the room was ready-heated with the ambient conditions. She started class, as she always does, asking us to each introduce ourselves, and to share something. Sometimes she asks us to state one word that describes how we feel at this moment. I was starting to mentally prepare for that question, since it was a particularly poignant question for this very moment. Surprisingly, she went in a different direction today, though, and she asked us to name something that is a "dealbreaker" for us, being intentionally vague about the context of the term. I didn't immediately have one that came to mind, or at least not one that I necessarily wanted to share. And the introductions were making their way toward me, so I had to think fast. It wasn't difficult for me to come up with one. I said "Selfishness." It encompasses a lot of things. It could be leaving bad tips. It could be not being present for a friend when they need support. It could be emotional selfishness. It could be self-centeredness. It could be any of those things. It was a good question, and I was rather glad I didn't need to share one word for how I felt. I am not sure what it would have been. Free? Calm? Alone? Unsteady? Limbo? Anxious? How can one be anxious and calm at the same time? That might be a fair question...

Class was hard, in standard Elizabeth fashion, so I won't belabor it, other than to note that I did a lot of modification, to stay within my own boundaries of integrity.

Given that this class is a 4pm Friday class, I don't know for certain if or when I will be able to attend it again. I have some anxiety about my routine being disrupted. I have had the luxury of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I may need to get creative and very flexible in my routine, when I begin traveling more. I might find myself doing yoga alone, or with a video or podcast. I know that some say that the "real yoga" is that yoga we guide ourselves through alone. And that scares the living shit out of me. Alone. Alone. Alone. I am going to Hawaii alone, and all I can think about is "How will I feel by myself?" I am wondering if I will be lonely. Will I lose my shit? Some people would travel alone and be in a state of complete bliss. For me, it is like going into the wilderness where there could be avalanches, tigers, or other unspeakable hidden dangers. Alone is what I fear most. And the question I still struggle with is whether I must do what I fear most, or whether I need not do what I fear most. And I am curious about what there is to be learned by attempting to confront this fear. Am I about to grow? Or, on the contrary, am I just wasting time that could be spent in constant connection with others?

I think I know that you know that I know the answer to those questions.

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