26 May, 2013

Back to what works

The best thing about coming back to what works is when it works like it did when you decided that it’s what works.

At a certain point in time, my passion for writing in this blog wavered, and I found it becoming a chore that was almost Herculean in its insurmountability (to coin a word). I would miss one day, two days, sometimes several. And I would force myself to dredge up the memories of those days so that I could stick to the commitment I had made to write about every class. But, by losing the consistency and allowing it to become a burden that I was not handling in a timely fashion, I had lost the spirit of the original intention. It would be like missing 4 days of yoga, and then thinking I could do a quadruple class on a Saturday and get the benefits of a regular yoga practice. It didn’t work, and I recognized it was not working.

Initially, I thought that perhaps I was being too Draconian on myself, demanding that I write every day. I had done it for a very long time, and maybe it had outlasted its value. So I tried to reformulate the intention into something different, namely, that I would write when I felt like it, and that I would focus on a new agenda. But without the commitment or the schedule, that didn’t actually happen either, and it wasn’t long before I had ceased writing altogether. Looking back, I think I have a different understanding of what was happening. I think I stopped writing because I no longer wanted to take a close, daily look at what was occurring inside my mind and my life. I basically wanted to “go dark” because the trajectories I was taking were not ones that could withstand any kind of inquiry. Going really “Baptistian” here, I think that this blog has, for me, been serving as the “Inquiry” part of the practice. And when I stopped writing, I had slid down that ladder of personal growth back to a point where all I had was the Asana. This is not to say that Asana alone is not a great thing. And it’s also not to say that I am a “Grand Inquisitor” of my own behaviors. But certainly, I had something more, and shut it down.

Of course, the truth, and we all know it, is that you can’t actually play Peek-A-Boo with yourself; certainly not for more than a little while. There came a point a few weeks ago when I recognized that I needed to get back on the program that worked. And that agenda was writing after every class, and having the writing serve as a connection between the practice and my life. It’s been maybe 3 weeks since I returned to this routine, and the dividends are already clear. It’s working. I can’t say that I know exactly what I am doing or where I am going, but I am not “doing anything” or “going anywhere” without “observing.” That is what has changed.

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