23 April, 2013

Back to basics

Today was gentle yoga with Elizabeth McElveen.

I am resetting. The asana has been a regular practice. Six times a week. I am still on my mat. But I feel like I am losing my way. The same old demons creeping up as before I ever started yoga. Of course I shouldn't have expected that the mat was a demon-free zone. But I thought everything would be easier. And that's partly because it was. For a while.

Today's class found a high density of yogis who seemed to need to rest. More than I have ever seen before, there were so many people just lying down when Elizabeth entered the room. I was too, which I never do. It's always seated in hero's pose on a block. Today it was on my back on a bolster. And I was more than secretly hoping Elizabeth would pick up on this energy. And she did. There was an agreement that we'd do some moving and then some stretching. It was a good mix. Elizabeth had a lot to say today and all of it was resonating for me. But I really just wanted to completely lose it and cry. But I didn't. I have felt tired and down and raw and confused. The events in Boston last week are pulling at my emotions but they also served as a distraction, offering an excuse to be living largely outside the moment. There is nothing I can gain by obsessing on the news. But I did anyway. I suppose it is human nature. But I recognize that it impacted my well being to go toward the media frenzy rather than return to my own groundedness.

I am at a loss for why the asana continues to evolve but other levels of my practice are encountering so much friction.

I am honestly not even writing this because I want to entertain. That's at least always part of my agenda. Right now I am willing to try anything to return to a place that works.

I've been doing the dissatisfaction with job thing. I have been doing the dissatisfaction with self thing. I have been withdrawing from others. And I see it. I don't know why I do it. Recurrent pattern. My samskara. Perhaps I don't need to know why before I can reverse it. Perhaps merely recognizing it is sufficient. Well. Not completely. Because I have been recognizing for some time now. I need to come back to that figurative breath. The moment.

And for now, in the absence of other ideas, that moment includes this.

No comments:

Post a Comment