27 November, 2012

Right Action

Today was 90 minutes of Power Vinyasa with Tina Templeman.

It was also, sadly, the last day of my cat's life. The blog's not about cats, so I'll keep it short, and say that he was 25 years old, maybe older, and he had deteriorated to the point that it was cruel to keep him alive. I say "my cat" even though he is actually my housemate's cat. But he's been a part of my life, honestly, forever. I don't know that I could have made the choice to euthanize him, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

So... the plan had been for the vet to come over the house and do it. And I had made up my mind, in no uncertain terms, that I did not want to be there for it. I did not want to see the cat go from being alive, to being not alive. I didn't want to see him stop being. He's been for so long, and I just didn't want to watch. The night before, there had been a little gathering with a few friends to say goodbye, and I hid in my room all night, not wanting to be social. Had a hard time going to sleep. When I woke up, I said my goodbyes in the morning. And I asked my housemate, "Are you sure you don't want me to be there?" And she started to answer, and then hesitated, got a little choked up, and then restarted, and said "Not unless you want to be there for you. Don't do it for me." And I went to work, planning on going to Elizabeth's class at 4pm, and feeling bad all day.

Around lunch time, I was really down, really upset, and my girlfriend said (over text), "Maybe you should go home, and be there with her?" I got upset, and defensive, and replied that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. And I then felt frenzied, and completely out of control. I was in Whole Foods, but I didn't want to eat anything. I felt like my brain was spinning.

And then, suddenly, something clicked: "I need to go home and be there."

It was a combination of things. First, I know my housemate well enough to know that she'd never ask anyone to do anything for her. But maybe doing things for people isn't always because they say they need it, but because you want to do it for them, just because. Second, the degree to which I was avoiding the notion of Ozone (the cat) ceasing to be was troubling to me. And I know that it was because it makes me think about mortality in general. This little guy that I have been so close to, and I will see him "transition" out of this life. My fear of it, and my utter aversion to it practically demanded that I confront this, because what am I avoiding, really? Truth. What is.

As Lola would say, "This is what is happening."

So I went home, and it was clear that it was the right thing to have done. It was one of those "If you hadn't done this, you would have regretted it for the rest of your life" kind of situations.

I don't know if, before starting to do yoga, I would have made the right choice in this situation.

Class was tough. It took me nearly half the class to get out of my head, and I was trying not to be hard on myself. Eventually, I got beat down enough from the sheer challenge of the 90 minutes class, that I settled into breath, and was okay. It was somewhere after the flows, around the time we did either Dancer's Pose or Tree or Triangle. I can't really remember.

But really, give myself a break, right? I mean, my freaking cat just died.

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