20 November, 2012

Attachments

Today was supposed to be gentle yoga with Elizabeth.

And there's the problem. Those attachments. "Supposed to be" often leads to disappointment.

In reality, today was 90 minutes of power vinyasa with Nicole. And it was just fine. It was hard, but it was yoga.

I was so set on doing this class today. But my schedule at work trapped me in a meeting that I could not quite escape for all my best efforts. And as the meeting wore on... 3:30... 3:45... My resentment was growing. Anger directed primarily at one colleague whom I felt was wasting time, pontificating about unnecessary things. Bleeding the time away. I started to believe that he was trying to make me miss the class. While that's not entirely out of the realm of possibility (we don't have a fantastic relationship), the more likely explanation was that he was talking to serve his own purposes.

The point is... the attachment to this class actually took me out of the moment and had me feeling worse than what was actually right in front of me. I know that complete surrender and acceptance would be to take all things in stride. The idea of getting so bent out of shape about a yoga class feels, itself, to be ironic.

I found a glimmer of a message in my mind: my "intelligence" if you will, saying to me "another yoga class will be fine. This is an opportunity to practice with what is." But, much as I knew this, I cling to the attachment and the resentment.

And what did it buy me? Only I felt bad. No one else. But it made me less effective and probably less pleasant to be around. The faster I can let go, the more effective I can be. The happier I can be. That seems simple.

But just as it is difficult on the mat to "tolerate" that 6th Sun B (when you expected there would only be 3 or 4 of them), it's even harder to accept (radically!) when things don't go according to plan in "real life" where the perceived stakes are higher.

Amusingly, after finally accepting this reality, I had built up the new mental preparation around my Plan B which was to be Tina's 5:30 class. And I had a fair amount of apprehension because I know Tina is tough and I am sore. But sure enough, I got there and Nicole was subbing.

I think the lesson here is to make plans... but don't be surprised or disappointed when they change, and don't bother thinking through how something is going to be, because it is probably going to be different.

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