22 October, 2012

Trying to stay in the body not the mind

Today was Power Vinyasa with Vanessa.

It was a tough day today. Perhaps it was the hardest day I have had at my one year on the job. A situation arose in work where it appeared that a major mistake had been made, and it was potentially my mistake, though it was unclear. The consequence was that certain work would need to be put on hold indefinitely until a matter was resolved. Another consequence was that we might have been violating a policy that could have repercussions. I wouldn't say that I became adrenalized, but I was a bit angry and resentful that this was happening, and I felt like running away: "I shouldn't have to deal with this!" I went to lunch with a friend, where I was barely present, imagining worst-case scenarios where I might lose my job. Even started to think wild thoughts like "I should get all my personal files off my laptop immediately, in case... whatever."

After the lunch, we were walking back to work, and I paused to check in with my body. And I realized something interesting. I wasn't feeling fear. I wasn't feeling anxiety. I was actually feeling nothing in my body. Complete calm. And it occurred to me that all the "crisis" was in my mind, and it was largely fabricated around possibilities and expectations. My body somehow knew that everything was okay. I went back to work and, after a series of phone calls and systematic thinking, I solved the problem. And, in the end, I actually ended up solving a bigger problem than the one that was at hand, because I was able to think clearly.

There's a yoga lesson in here somewhere.

At the end of a long day, I found myself at Vanessa's class, knowing that I really needed to get on the mat, and let go of all that which had likely taken up residence somewhere in my body. It was a tough class, but it was exactly what I needed. For the most part, there was no pain, and I thought a lot about what it means to really expand and extend, and to feel the earth beneath me, and to be constantly checking in with the entire surface of my body as I move through the poses, recognizing what is happening and where.

I could get caught up in the "negative" or my moment's panic today. Or I could recognize that the more important thing is coming back to the center, letting go of the drama.

Because this is what is happening.

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