01 October, 2012

Mind all over the place or mind on life

Today was Power Vinyasa with Vanessa. Vanessa. Vinyasa. Vinyessa. It has a nice ring to it.

I had never taken a class with Vanessa before. Getting a lot of firsts lately. She pushed hard, and my body is still tired and creaky in the hips. Though, as I keep saying, even the hardest class at Be Luminous is still manageable because I never find myself in the near-panic heart-pounding state of not having enough air. It's just what works better for me. And I know that I'm just an individual with individual preferences and individual capacities. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

In class today, it was kind of crowded. We'd just begun, and we were in Child's Pose. I had my eyes closed, and I hear someone enter the room a few minutes late. They set up their mat right next to me, which caused me to feel this moment of distraction. I also felt like they got in my space, since there was not much room between mats, and I start having these thoughts like "I show up on time, so that I can get a good space, and now someone comes in late and is in my space. How is this fair?" But I try to push that thought away. Then, as class progresses, I notice that the guy has his towel and his glasses, sort of almost on my mat, and I think "It's bad enough that he's late, but now he's putting his shit in my space too!" And I'm trying not to be irritated by him, but I am. Then, as class goes along, I peripherally notice that he's working really hard, and breathing really hard, and probably trying to get himself into some poses that he shouldn't be trying to get himself into. On the one hand, my mind is getting irritated because his choppy breathing is distracting me. But then, at a certain point, something starts to shift, and I almost start to feel some compassion and acceptance for the guy, because he's just doing the best he can, showing up, and doing his practice. And then, later, I reflected on it further, and realized that he probably was busting his ass to even make it to this class. And he probably meant to be on time, but life made him late. And he probably really needed this yoga. And as distracted as I was, he was probably having an even harder time settling in, and getting centered, after whatever frenzy it took to even make it to class. And I realized that, instead of being irritated by this guy, I should love this guy. Because he's trying.

My mind isn't really on the yoga these days. I still find myself going nearly every day. Taking a day off still feels a little bit like "Do I really need a day off?" And I still find myself working hard and feeling present on the mat. But I don't feel like I am doing deep exploration at the moment. And that's not even really true. It's just sort of slid off the mat and into other areas. And I am not even sure if that's really true. I think I almost cried the other day in class, but I can't remember whose class. Probably Elizabeth.

Maybe I am not really feeling like writing about yoga right now. I wrote about it for 108 days in a row, for Christ's sake! Right? But, nevertheless, I will continue writing about my experiences in this practice.

I bought tickets to go to Thailand last night. This may seem to have nothing to do with practice, but I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with it. I had an aversion, a fear, about going to Asia. The culture shock was something that I was very apprehensive about. I always found a reason why I don't want to go. I would say "There are a lot of other places on my list that are far above Asia." And then, I would go to Hawaii. Again, and again, and again. I have been to Hawaii 8 times? Or nine? That's nothing to complain about, of course. But it is the epitome of staying within one's comfort zone. Hawaii is easy, familiar, comfortable, safe.

Now, just like that, I am finding myself not the least bit apprehensive about leaping far outside that comfort zone, and exploring places that are not as easy, unfamiliar, perhaps uncomfortable at times. The yoga is where this came from. The practice shows me that I can go anywhere, and do anything.

That's where my mind is right now. And the excitement now will be crafting (loosely) the framework of that experience. I don't need to know everything, but I do want to know where I'm staying.

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