25 October, 2012

Long time, no see

Today was Power Vinyasa Basic with Cassandra.

I walked into Urban Yoga Spa to take a class today. It was my first there in a while. When I entered, there were many people in the lobby, as the 5:30 class had just ended. Upon seeing me, there was a loud cheer of a greeting, which took me somewhat by surprise. I have a paradox of not wanting to be ignored or forgotten, but also not wanting to have too much direct attention thrown upon me. This was solidly in the latter category. Cassandra was at the front desk, and she was also excited to see me. She was standing separate from the rest of the people, and I somehow found her to be the safest, most comfortable destination in the room, toward whom I could express my feelings of connection. I approached her, and gave a hug and a shy hello. I don't know why I feel so shy. I am not sure, really, at all.

Even a Basics class felt heavy. I know. It's getting tiresome hearing the same old thing. It wasn't even hot at all, but my body continues to say no to just about everything I throw its way.

The mirror was not my friend today. I have become accustomed to not seeing myself in the mirror during the poses. And today, the combination of mirrors and heaviness, led me to feel negative about my body. It felt doughy. The poses looked crooked and sloppy. But I suspect that it wasn't really seeing what is, but being spun off into some negative fantasy about what is. Still, I don't want to have those mirrors right now. And I suppose that is interesting too, why it bothered me so much. Perhaps it tied together with my emotions arriving at the studio.

I really don't know.

Don't know where I am in my practice right now, but feel like I am losing ground. We talked about how it is difficult to maintain the ground gained. How soldiers often say that it's harder to keep territory that you've won, than to win it in the first place. That subject arose during the book-reading class last weekend. And here it is. This sensation of losing ground.

And I don't know why.

A moment of fear... what if I decide I don't like yoga anymore and just stop doing it?

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