27 September, 2012

Unexpected treats and revelations

Today was Power Vinyasa with Tina Scott Francis.

It had been a long time since Jo had recommended Scott's class to me. She'd spoken very highly of him, but I had still not yet had an opportunity to take his class due to schedule constraints. Tonight, I had decided to bring a guest to Be Luminous for the first time. The expectation was that we'd be taking Tina's class. I was slightly apprehensive about this, because her class on Tuesday had felt extremely difficult to me, and I didn't want my guest's first experience at Be Luminous to be too extreme. Of course, from one day to the next, things are always different, and one person's "extreme" could be another person's "ideal" so I probably shouldn't worry so much.

But it turned out, when we arrived, that Tina was stuck in traffic, and Scott would be substituting for her.

It was a great, though difficult class. I actually cannot remember as much about it as I'd like to have remembered, since I am writing this 2 days later. What sticks in my mind was how important it was for my guest (okay, my girlfriend) to have an amazing experience here. I didn't want it to be "Meh." I wanted it to be  "You are sooooo right about how awesome this place is! Thank you so much for inviting me to come here with you!"  I did, pretty much, get that desired effect. But it brings me to a topic that's been floating through my head now for the past couple of weeks.

Validation. Justification.

I guess it was on my mat the other day that I realized that I am constantly seeking to justify everything. To myself. To others. And then I seek the validation back that my justifications are sound. It's like I am an attorney presenting a case (my life, my choices, my preferences) to the jury (the world, myself), and trying to get the verdict that I am doing the right things, and that I am a good person, acting reasonably, and in sound judgment.

It's always manifesting itself, whether it be around the friends I have, the relationships I choose, my job, my yoga practice, music, whatever it is. I could come up with obvious Psychology 101 explanations for it. As a kid, I always had to provide a justification for why I should be allowed to do something, or to have something. It was never just because I wanted it. That wasn't good enough (or so I felt). But that doesn't really hold water, because I'm not a kid anymore. It's been my nature to justify.

I want to figure out why. And what are the consequences if I stop justifying to myself and others. Is it even possible? In some way, I think it frees me from a lot of the chatter that is going on in my brain. I think much of that repetitive thought is a movie reel of justifications for every single thing (as Cassandra often points out, 70-90% of the thoughts we have are repetitive). I do know that the idea of ceasing these justifications feels scary to me. I don't know what I would think about if not that. And that's probably an important observation.

What I would first like to know is if it's primarily about justification itself, or if it's actually about validation.

And I am not sure about that yet.

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