16 September, 2012

The biggest conflicts are on the inside

This morning was Power Vinyasa with Sue, at 6:45am.

Most days we have started at 7am. Today we are going to Assisi and needed to start earlier.

One could say I got up on the wrong side of the bed today. I don't even really want to write any of this because, for the first time, I have readers who are seeing me every day, sometimes within minutes of writing an entry. And I am not trying to call attention to inner conflicts. But if I start censoring then the whole point of cataloging my journey is sort of out the window.

I slated myself to sleep a little later today, as I have been waking up early to talk to my girlfriend who is an inconvenient 9 time zones west of here. This is slightly off-topic, but I should note that 9 hours is an inconvenient difference.

Today I decided to give myself an extra half hour of sleep. The night was filled with crazy dreams. I had a yoga dream, I think, where I couldn't get my towel to stay flat on my mat, and every pose that got called out, I was unable to get into the pose before the next one was called, and I was fussing with my mat the whole time. Then I had another dream where someone stole my laptop and I was chasing after them and begging them to please give it back. After chasing, and begging, and negotiating, I finally, miraculously convinced him to give it back to me.

I woke up at 5am and contemplated getting up but decided to stick to my plan of 6am. Then I woke up at 5:30am and, again decided to wait until 6am. Finally 6am came, and I got up. Turned on my computer, and realized it was 6:34am, not 6am. I don't even know how it happened. But losing that half hour threw me off and, although I was on time for class, I just had a negative energy directed at myself. I cannot even explain fully why it was. But it was a heaviness. And I was quiet and probably sent my heaviness out into the room, which made me feel worse but I just closed up and stayed in my mat more like it was a cell than a mat.

Practice for me today was all about going through the poses carrying this energy. My breath wasn't as deep. I did keep my focus and stay with all the poses and not let my mind drift too much. But every pose felt like a struggle. The saving grace was that the room was not 105 degrees, since that, combined with a bad head space is what has often caused me to completely melt down in a class. At 75 degrees I can make myself go through the proper motions.

But is this yoga? Was I present?

They say we should be with whatever is, but what if that's a boatload of negative energy?

My low back, on the upside, feels about 95%, which is good.

But I don't really understand what drove me into the negative space. I don't really know how to get clarity on things happening in me that are not obvious to me. One thing I considered is the "3rd lap" phenomenon. I used this analogy the other day for someone. It goes like this: When you run a mile on a track, it is 4 laps. And I always found that the 3rd lap was the hardest. You've just passed the halfway point. But the end is not in sight. How does this apply here? My overall trip away from Seattle is two weeks, with half in Boston and half here. Today marked the start of the second half... the 3rd lap.

Perhaps I am just a little homesick.

Who knows?

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