08 August, 2012

Practice is always about you

Today was Some Type of Yoga with Ginger.

My takeaway, to give you the end of the story first, is that practice is always about what's going on inside of you. Not the room. Not the teacher. Not the person next to you. Not what happened at work today. Not all the world's problems. You are none of those things. You are only you, and your experience of all things inside and outside of you is governed by one thing: perspective.

That said...

I spent the entire class angry at Ginger. And it was not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing she could do wrong. Her class is never a Baptiste flow. That's not what she does. But it's what I show up expecting every time. And with most teachers, experience matches expectation. Never with Ginger. And I know this. I tell myself every time to be open and expect the unexpected. And every time, within minutes, I am losing my shit, and drafting the email to Kathy in my mind about what's wrong with this class. And every time, by the time I finish showering, I have recovered, and I see that this is all me. It's not Ginger (and, for the record, I've never actually written that email to anyone, about any class).

I don't want to avoid her. Actually I know I should go to her class every week. She's the one who is showing me my biggest walls. My walls. Ambiguity. The unexpected. Not knowing what to do. She's the anti-me. From a Myers-Briggs perspective, she's the extreme P to my J.

When I have these experiences, I find myself "building a case" for how I am right. For how this is not my fault. Someone else is responsible for what I feel. And I look for validation around me. But this is all an illusion and it's the extreme epitome of what my mind is trying to do in general. That is to run screaming from discomfort, with excuses ready.

I'll see you again soon, Ginger. Thank you for being you.

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