01 July, 2012

What's that drilling noise?

Today was Hatha + Yin with Patrick.

There was a loud drilling noise during class today. It might as well have been a loud drilling noise inside my soul, because I was completely unable to keep my head together during the Yin portion of class. Always excited to take Patrick's class, but the external stimuli in the room (loud construction drilling in the ceiling) contributed to my lack of focus.

My body doesn't have very far to go, in terms of depth, in many of the Yin poses, because of tightness. It is a place where patience is the only thing you can have. You can't work around it. You can't ignore it. You have to be in it, and either be patient, or suffer. At one point, Patrick was emphasizing how important it is to just breathe wherever we are, and to focus on breathing for the 6 count or 8 count. But what I noticed was, as I started to get more uncomfortable and frustrated with myself, I was not breathing at all. When I attempted to breathe to any count, I became aware that it was hard to even maintain an inward or outward flow of air for even a 2 count. I was short of breath. Patrick suggested that we pause at the end of an exhale, to feel the extreme stillness that's possible. But, in my case, what I felt in that gap was the adrenalized sensation of mini-panic. That happens quite often during the difficult parts of class. Something in me is triggering the opposite of stillness. I wish I were able (now) to get past that.

Yin is bringing me face-to-face with the kind of real fear that I have experienced in many circumstances in my emotional life. I want to run away from it. I came closer to running out of the room during this class than I think I ever have before.

I want to run away.

But instead, I will probably get myself right back in there again for more.

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