22 July, 2012

Thin line between can't and won't

Today was 75 (90) minutes of Power Vinyasa with Gordy.

There are days where you can't. And there are days where you won't. I am pretty sure today was the latter. From the moment I arrived on my mat, my head was fighting it. Distracted. Mind in other places. I walked into the studio today and didn't want to make contact with anyone. I just wanted to be in my own private zone. Most of the time, I welcome the greetings and the connection. But when you want to avoid it, the environment can feel oppressive.

So I tried to hide on my mat today. And it was hard, with half the room facing me.

It was a very unconventional class today. We did beaucoup upper body work, spending what must have been 30-40 minutes on the mat at the start of class, doing various Plank-related poses. Then we did some standing balance poses. It wasn't until at least an hour into class that "The Flow" finally came. By that time, I was just not feeling it. I don't know if I was tired, or if I was just unfocused. Perhaps a bit of both. But I decided, with no uncertainty, that I was "Done" with a Capital D. After one feeble round of Warrior I to Warrior II, face-down I planted myself on the mat. And I didn't move again for the final 20 minutes of class. I didn't do the final stretches. I didn't do Pigeon pose. I didn't even sit upright at the end of class. I was gone. Sayonara. Adios. Dosvedanya. Kaput.

My final 20 minutes of practice were spent trying not to judge myself or feel badly about the choice. Should I feel badly? Did I let myself off the hook? Is it wrong? I don't know. I only know that I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to feel angry that it was 104 degrees, high humidity, and we're doing 8 rounds of a killer Vinyasa flow, 70 minutes into a 75 (90) minute class. I didn't want to feel frustration. I didn't want to fight it in my mind. I just wanted to give in.

I got nothing more to say about it.

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