06 June, 2012

Don't throw caution to the wind

Today was Power Vinyasa with Odessa.

Today, every Chaturanga felt like I had a giant bag of sand on my back. Trying to find an angle of descent that was not fatiguing, but there didn't seem to be one. The simple solution would be Low Cobra. But for some reason, my brain was saying "You can do it. Your shoulder is all better." The result is that my shoulder is now hurting again.

I came to the mat today very stuck in my head on an analysis I'd been doing at work. I had a slightly frustrating experience of having a miscommunication about some data with my manager, resulting in both of us having the impression that I had made a fairly major mistake. I felt anxiety. I felt embarrassment because I take pride in my calculations and generally have confidence. On the one hand, I wanted to believe my manager was wrong and I was right. But I wasn't sure. And he was. I apologized and then talked to our "data experts" and figured out that I was not incorrect and neither was my manager. We were both right but we'd been comparing apples and oranges, hence the discrepancy.

That period in his office was uncomfortable. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even judging me. But I felt a little fear and a lot of bad feelings. Some part of me knew I could not be wrong but I still have that doubt in such situations. If I were more organized (I tell myself) I would have been able to more quickly notice that we weren't comparing the same things.

I guess I have this thing about wanting to be perfect the first time, all the time. Good luck with that, huh?

I brought the remainder of that energy to the mat today. I wanted to let it go, and I certainly was able to consciously arrive in the moment. But I was still carrying a rigidity that manifested itself with me not being kind to myself or lenient. I am seeing this as different levels of presence. There's arriving and letting go of thoughts. But the next step is fully checking in to our bodies.

Odessa's class was tough today in terms of the leg work. As I have written in probably every entry about her classes, she's got some sequences that really cook the standing leg. Today, if anything, I felt like I endured it a little more willingly than in previous instances. I'm hoping that's a reflection of calmness in chaos, as opposed to pure masochism!

Looking forward to Walla Walla in a couple of days. A vacation that I need. Getting away from the environment of the day-to-day, and resetting the system.

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