13 May, 2012

Nurturing

Today was 75 minutes of Hatha with Cassandra.

As I alluded last night, this morning was not to be a Power Yoga day. Today was Mothers' Day. And I am motherless. Coincidentally, it is also my mother's birthday today. Thinking about nurturing, which was Cassandra's "collective intention" today, I realized that I have not been one for exemplary self-nurturing.

My mom was definitely protective, and there's no doubt that she loved me. But I would not have described her as the nurturing type. So when I experience nurturing from others in my life, it sometimes feels so foreign and unimaginable, I don't even know what to do with it!

It makes me wonder, though, if the lack of familiarity with nurturing leads me to have a heavy hand with myself. Today, as she often does, Cassandra talked about how we need to listen to our own bodies, and what they're telling us. And we need to know when we need to rest, and know when something is too much. But we also need to not let ourselves off the hook. She referred to this as "taking the middle road." And what I am coming to realize is that my scale is always pushed way toward the "don't let myself off the hook" extreme. Perhaps this was a learned behavior. But it doesn't really matter where I acquired the behavior. It's only important to recognize it.

Class was a little challenging today. Trying hard to not make my various injuries worse. Between yesterday and today, I discovered that I really couldn't find a way to do any variant of Pigeon pose without making my knee hurt worse. No matter what angle I take, it hurts. Today, it made me feel a little bit emotionally drained. Feeling like I can't stretch one tight muscle because of an injury somewhere else. It's not a big deal, but it was upsetting me. Add to all this, the fact that my 6 week cough has ramped back up into being as bad as it was when it first started. All this is starting to make me paranoid that I've got something "wrong" with me.

This isn't even entertaining to write. I cannot imagine it's entertaining to read.

Complain, complain, complain.

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