29 February, 2012

Much awaited voice

Today was 75 minutes of Hatha with Cassandra.

Much awaited. I was so looking forward to this class 8 days ago, last Tuesday. I was going to take Cassandra's Wednesday Hatha class! But life had different plans for me. I found myself on an airplane the next morning, to Boston. No Cassandra class.

I've always had a hard time accessing my emotions. They don't tend to come out at "normal" times, like when a situation is actually happening (such as something sad, like a funeral, for instance). The emotions just don't come. I feel nothing in those moments. The doorway into my emotions has always been through things like music, or movies, or some sort of external stimulus I could use to elicit the emotions. And, interestingly, I can turn it on at the drop of a hat given the right triggers such as these.

It's starting to become clear that Cassandra's class is one of those triggers. As you've seen me post here before, she has a lot of inspiration in her.

I'd been waiting all week for this class. Thinking about it. Fantasizing about how I was going to get so inspired that all these buried emotions were going to come pouring forth, and I would be sobbing on my mat, letting out all the trapped feelings.

But, of course, guess what happens when you heap a whole load of expectation on yourself, or on a situation? I know, know, know this from past experience. I knew it, but I couldn't help but hope, because I really wanted this to be that cathartic class. And... this wasn't the class.

Cassandra is probably more known for her Vinyasa classes, but she does this regular 75 minute Hatha class each week. Today, I had expected it to be sparsely attended, because it was occurring opposite a "Theme" class that Patrick was teaching. That class was an "Inversions" class, and I figured everybody would be in there. Turns out, everybody was in there, but there was still an extra everybody left over to be in the smaller, Studio B. We were packed. Probably about 40-45 people in the class, mat to mat.

It was a very peaceful class, and Cassandra had a good energy, and a good message about positive energy, and about working through the hard moments, and not letting our mind overcome us. She talked about going through the fire, rather than succumbing to it.

The room was comfortable, not too hot. I am not sure why I wasn't too hot, since she did comment on the room being hot, but I guess I was just having a not-hot night.

Quote of the day: "Every time you die on the mat, something new inside of you comes to life"

Seriously. There's not a day where Cassandra is not infinitely quotable. And it was a pleasure to once again be on the mat in one of her classes.

So, I am still patiently (and perhaps, less expectantly) waiting for the emotional channeling to occur. Maybe it will end up being in the most unlikely of situations.

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